KB’s Space!

Mommy to an angel

My brain is where? July 19, 2009

So, yes we lost another baby. We are heartbroken. And my brain is just going in sane. I feel as if I’m about to lose it. It doesn’t help that JB is gone for two weeks with military training. He’s not having the best of times emotionally either. How could this of happened to us again? Why do we get the crappy end of the stick? I mean seriously, have we not been through enough already??

I do have to say that those two weeks gave me a taste of what next time will bring. And yes, there will be a next time. There WILL. But it scared me. For those two weeks, knowing my hcg’s were low, the stress and anxiety it brought on…. holy crap. How will I ever make it through 9 months of that? To those of you who made it through 9 months after losing a precious baby…. kudos to you. Your strong.

I know when it comes down too it, sure, I can do it but there is no doubt in my mind that it would be the most stressful, most anxiety ridden 9 months of my life. I’ve lost my innocents to pregnancy. Every little thing will concern me and I will be visiting the hospital every day. Ultrasound please!

I feel as if, our loss of Jayden, prepared us well for our second loss. I can’t figure out if I feel that either I should of just expected it, or if losing Jayden was the worst possible thing so losing a baby in the first week of finding out i’m pregnant wasn’t a big deal (which it really is and no less of a loss than a stillbirth) or that I’m just in denile. I can’t figure it out. I’m upset, my heart hurts, I cry but it’s nothing like it was with Jayden. But then again these are two completely different losses also. I don’t mean to compare the two and by no means is one less than the other because they were both my babies, but I can’t help but compare Jayden to this little baby. I don’t know I am definantly struggling with how to handle this loss. Do we let it just go because we have nothing physical of this pregnancy to hold on to other than a positive pregnancy test, or do we memorialize this baby? And if we do, how do we do that?

It’s going to be another long road. We are able to TTC next month, but we shall see…..

On the moving front, JB comes home next saturday from training and then we go to MEPS to figure all the details out, looking at housing, pick a duty station and get a move date. I’ve been packing like crazy!!!! and I’m tired of it already. And I still have so much more to do!

*sigh* Life…. Could it just slow down and be relaxing for just a moment?

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2 Responses to “My brain is where?”

  1. beenthere2wice2 Says:

    Kara, You will never forget and that is a good thing. I went to a support group with our chaplain on camp Pendleton. The military has wonderful support groups. We are all family. Ask your husbands recruiter for a local military group (his wife will know if he doesn’). I lost two before our precious girl was born at 28 weeks. and another befor our son was born at 30 weeks and I still keep in touch with those wonderful women, after 10 years we still share our triumohs and pain. You can find the same. Or contact me to talk. Beenthere2wice2@aol.com

  2. Rebekah Says:

    I don’t have any words but I’m thinking of you. (((hugs)))


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