Well it’s been three months since I delivered Jayden and we finally have our report back from a stillbirth program called Kate Cares….It’s a program that took care of the autopsy and got all of our test results together and had several doctors from other hopsitals try to come up with some ideas of what happened and just look into it all further. I have a really hard time reading the report because it’s all in medical terminology but from the way our OB explained it:
- I have high protien C and low protien S (blood clotting issues)
- It’s possible that Jayden hemorrhaged (for some reason) and instead of bleeding out to where I would expel the blood and see that there was something wrong, he bled back through the umbilical cord and back into the placenta causing tiny little blood clots. It’s possible that this also caused a small abruption as the blood clots covered about 10-30% of the placenta.
So that is what I got from the OB but i think there is a little more to it and I am just un sure of how to read the report. We go to a maternal/fetal specialist on Monday 3/23. He should go over the entire report with us in detail and explain it to us so that we fully understand. Then we will discuss the risk all of this poses on subsequent pregnancies as well as what our action plan will be for subsequent pregnancies. I do know that they will be delivering me between 36-37 weeks because all of the above occured between 38-39 weeks gestation. I will also be having a c-section due to the fact that I am just really not made to vaginally deliver. Jayden was only 6lbs 5oz and I had ad really really hard time getting him out. I also had lots of complications with my episiotomy so the best solution seems to just go the c-section route.
Our OB explained that the most likely route for subsequent pregnancies would be to take baby aspirin and then two shots of a blood thinner that is called Heparin. I will also have to have my antibodies monitored since I have antibodies against Jayden’s blood type. If the next baby has the same blood type as Jayden, some preventative measures may need to take place so that my antibodies don’t attach the babies blood cells thinking they are bad and is a virus or infection.
Josh and I were already given the okay to try again, and this was our first month. So right now we are on our “two week wait” to see what happens. I’ll be able to test around the 24th of march (the earliest) but wil probably wait until the 28th to get a more accurate test.
As for our emotional well-being, it’s been really tough. We were finally starting to cope with the fact that there was no known cause. Then now we have to start back over with there something being wrong with me. I have been craving for an answer for the last 3 months. I needed the question of WHY? answered. But now that I have an answer, it does not make me feel at all better. I feel worse, I feel guilty. The question “Why didn’t I know something was wrong” keeps shooting through my brain. I feel guilty that I’m here and he isn’t. I keep crying constantly. I’ve been more emotional in the last two days than I have in the last few weeks. I was starting to just become numb to everything around me and now I feel cut back open again and learning to cope all over. I’ve been so unhappy with going back to work. I have found that I am just not happy with alot of the things I used to love to do. I have a very very hard time focusing on things, such as work. I find myself thinking, and honestly bawling my eyes out most nights at work. I don’t want to quit, in all honestly financially I can’t quit, but I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like we need to run away and just start over, but in the end I know that is no way to fix anything.
I’ve been completely reliant on my two support groups. Our support group through the hospital that we go to once a month has been a real crutch. We’d be lost with out it. We’ve met some amazing couples, who unfortunately have been put on the same journey we are now going through. Some going to group for almost ten years, and others who are fresh into this as we are. We have made really good friends with several of the couples and we meet and talk with them outside of group quite often. It’s really nice to have someone call you and just say “how are you” who understand exactly what you are feeling and you don’t feel crazy explaining things going on. They aren’t going to think you need to go see a pyciatrist! The other support group is an e-mail group called SPALS. (subsequent pregnancy after loss support) and it’s full of women who have lost babies, who are again TTC and who are currently pregnant with a baby after a loss. It’s nice to be able to shoot an email and get tons of responses, different points of view, answers and feeling good when you can answer back to one of theirs. As for JB, He’s been quiet about it. I know he’s struggling and I just don’t know how to help him. I hate to see him hurt so much, but at the same time there is nothing I can do to fix it for him other than to hug him, kiss him and tell him I love him. We talk to Jayden very often, we visit him atleast once a week and we miss him so much. Life is just completely upside down and we are still, 3 months later, trying to turn it right side up again.
Well – that’s that for ya! Thanks for reading 🙂